Do you ever hear that phrase, deep down, whispered to yourself, “I am not enough?”  Usually, this thought creeps up when we are not feeling our best…

While attending a racial equity leadership training, the facilitator ended our session together by saying, “You ARE enough!”  

That phrase immediately struck dissonance within me.  “NO!” I thought. “It’s not true!”

The idea that I AM enough is quite contradictory to the message I sometimes hear in my head.  “I am not enough.”  (It’s bad enough I hear this voice within myself.  Worse still, I fear that others may think it of me too.) 

Confronted with this contradiction, I decided to sit with the feeling of Not Enough for a moment.  

I noticed some things. 

The feeling weighs heavy on my shoulders and head, pressing me down – nose to the grindstone. 

“…I don’t speak out enough.  I don’t stand up enough.  I don’t show up enough.  (I don’t cook enough.  I’m not home enough.)  I don’t sacrifice enough.  I don’t know enough.  I don’t do enough…” 

As it weighs, it also paralyzes.  Not Enough does not spur me to action or to change.  It stops me.

“You are not enough, so just sit down and shut up!” … “You are not enough, so don’t bother with it anyway!”

It doesn’t motivate; it punishes.  It clouds my hope. 

“The problem is too big.  The pattern is too deep.  The history is too long.  The wall is too high.  The belief is too embedded.  The system is too complex. The action is too insufficient…”

I admit to you now that I am truly not enough.  I will never be enough.  I am not the perfect white ally.   As my life is embedded in systems of oppression both locally and globally, I will inevitably fail my black and brown and white brothers and sisters over and over again.  That I deeply grieve. 

As I operate in the social profit sphere, alongside organizations truly working to make an impact, I also acknowledge that I am NOT the perfect evaluator.  I am NOT the perfect consultant.  I don’t have all the answers.  I don’t know all the right solutions.  I will never know all there is to know.

But as I sit with Not Enough, I begin to see where it comes from.  It simply rises from my isolation.  Sometimes I get caught up in the false belief that I have to do it all and be all.  When I’m focused on my individualism, I fail to see myself as connected to the greater whole.  That I’m part of a community.  Part of a movement. 

I’m not just a drop; I’m a part of the ripple and the wave and the tide that is coming in.

Not Enough arises from my desire to be connected and accepted by all around me.  It arises from my desire to be affective and effective.  To be on the right side of justice.  I want to see change happen.   

But it doesn’t have to be up to me to figure it all out.

And so with that, I can take comfort in the truth that I am truly not enough.  And you can too…

I CAN’T single-handedly fix all systems of marginalization, poverty, oppression, and racism that create our social ills.  Nor should I.  I am not enough.  You aren’t enough either.  And that is just how it should be. 

Together, WE are enough.

So instead of being afraid of my not-enough-ness, allowing it to choke my energy and creativity, I’m going to embrace it, welcome it, and get back to work, acknowledging that we need each other.

You may need me, and I need you just as much.  Together, we are stronger.  Together, we are enough.  

At PROPONENTS, this is how we do our work.

INSIGHT TO IGNITE:

• How does Not Enough weigh you or your organization down?  Is it holding you back from being creative, innovative, and engaging in new challenges?  
• Is Not Enough actually pointing you towards your goals and desires?
• Does Not Enough hold you back from looking at your current reality and outcomes?
• Is your organization hesitant to engage in evaluation for fear that it might reveal that you are Not Enough?
• How can you or your organization embrace so-called failures, set-backs, or limitations as opportunities for learning and growth?
• Are you or your organization working in isolation? Or working in collaboration to bring about collection change?

Matteah Spencer Reppart is the founder and visionary leader of PROPONENTS LLC, an independent consulting firm providing evaluation services for programs and organizations. With a passion for individual, organizational, and community growth & progress, Matteah is an advocate for reflective practices in our personal and professional spaces and utilizes evaluation tools towards those ends. As we gain insight into where we are in order to move forward, Matteah maintains a commitment to fully and authentically showing up in her work and encourages her clients to do the same.